When it comes to relationships, it’s normal for there to be some challenges from time to time.

However, as a Bethesda Couples Counselor, I often see at the root of many relationship issues is a breakdown in communication. So I wanted to share some advice on four things that may be sabotaging your relationship. 

Our lives get busy, or we avoid bringing something up so as not to create an argument or fight. One partner may do everything possible to avoid conflict, while the other may turn every small thing into a fight. 

According to Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, there are Four things that could be Sabotaging your relationship and actually predict relationship failure IF it is not addressed. These are called, The Four Horsemen. 

#1: Criticism

This is verbally attacking your partner’s character or personality. This is different than complaining about the behavior you dislike- instead, criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner.

#2: Contempt

Contempt attacks your partner’s sense of self through a statement or non-verbal communication such as eye-rolling. It may include name-calling, hostile humor, or sarcasm intending to insult or psychologically abuse them. According to the Gottman Institute, this is the most destructive to any relationship.

#3: Defensiveness

This often occurs in an attempt to protect oneself, but the result is often just a way to shift blame. In addition, it is often an attempt to victimize oneself to ward off a perceived attack. Defensiveness includes making excuses, “yes-butting,” and cross complaining.

#4: Stonewalling

This is when someone withdraws instead of directly expressing their thoughts or feelings. This can be giving your partner “the silent treatment,” changing the subject, or simple one-word answers when your partner is trying to engage.

So how do you fix this? Especially if you recognize these four things in your own relationship.

For one, Bethesda Couples Counseling can offer tools to help if these four things seem to be sabotaging your relationship. 

Next, consider these tips to start making some changes today:

• Instead of going straight to criticism, explain to your partner how you feel and what you need. Try to avoid ‘you’ statements. 
• Since contempt can be the most significant predictor of divorce, it is so important to foster respect and appreciation in the relationship. If you express these positive interactions regularly, it can act like a protective shield or negative feelings and interactions. 
• Taking responsibility instead of trying to shift lame with defensiveness can prevent conflict from escalating. 
• Instead of icing your partner out, just call a time-out. Then, take the opportunity to gather thoughts and return to the discussion after both parties have calmed down. This can prevent the acts of stonewalling, which will only bottle up emotions leading to a possible explosive interaction later on. 

If you are interested in learning more about how Bethesda Couples Counseling can help, please contact us today.