As a Bethesda Couples Counselor trained on The Gottman Method, I know there are four communication styles that absolutely impact relationships…and not in a good way. So, you may be causing problems in your relationship if you do this…
The metaphor “The Four Horsemen” has been used in many different examples to describe four things that could be destructive or detrimental usually. In the case of the Gottman Method, they use this metaphor to describe four communication styles that could potentially end a relationship. According to Gottman, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. As a Bethesda Couples Counselor, this could be one way you may be causing problems in your relationship.
Defensiveness in a Relationship
Being defensive is a very normal reaction to someone making an attack on us. Defensiveness can come easily when we feel we are being criticized, and it becomes a form of self-protection. Most people will become defensive because they are taking the criticism or complaint as blame or saying, “I’m not the problem, you are.”
When defensiveness enters an argument or heated discussion, it paves a path for criticism and contempt to come into the argument, which can escalate it very quickly. When we go directly into defensiveness, we are not working to fix or solve the problem, it almost always makes the argument worse or makes it still a problem.
Defensiveness can look like making excuses not to be the problem, it can also look like you are not hearing your partner in what they are asking or telling you. There is usually no apology, and it is most likely that both partners will feel elevated in their emotions.
Let’s look at a few examples where you might see defensiveness as a response.
Did you take the trash out like you said you were going to earlier?
Your response: You know I had a busy day today, and there was not enough time, I don’t know why you didn’t just do it.
You never want to go to dinner with me, but the moment a friend asks you to hang out you are out the door.
Your response: You never want to make the plan, and you hate my suggestions, so I stopped asking.
Why do you not put the toilet seat down ever? It’s gross and makes the bathroom look a mess.
Your Response: I do not always leave it up. You leave it up sometimes, too, I don’t understand the big deal.
Those were some examples of either a complaint or criticism that is answered with a defense response, and most of the time, the partner could either be feeling attacked, and it is a way to protect themselves. The Gottman method, like all the other relationship killers, provides an antidote for this horseman, and it is to take responsibility.
What to Try Instead- The Antidote to Defensiveness
In the moment of an argument where you are feeling attacked, I can understand that taking responsibility might not be the first thing you think of its going to be to get defensive. That is normal, and it makes take some time to gain awareness of yourself and the argument that is happening, taking responsibility might not be your first thought, but if it’s the second or third thing you do in the argument it will do a lot in stopping some of that contempt and criticism from sliding in.
Let’s go back to our examples and answer them with the antidote.
Did you take the trash out like you said you were going to earlier?
Your response: No, I didn’t. It completely skipped my mind from this busy day, I should have let you know what my day looked like today. Let me take it out right now.
You never want to go to dinner with me, but the moment a friend asks you to hang out you are out the door.
Your response: You’re right I have stopped making plans for us, and I see that has been bothering you. Let’s make a plan for dinner next weekend.
Why do you not put the toilet seat down ever? It’s gross and makes the bathroom look a mess.
Your Response: Yes, I’m sorry it has become a bad habit of mine, and I know it does not make you happy. I will start trying to remember to put it down.
These are all ways that the partner could answer the complaint or criticism by taking responsibility and acknowledging that you had a part in the problem. This is a better way to form a dialogue with your partner and work together to solve the problem. If you would like to learn more on improving communication with your partner, reach out to a Bethesda Couples Counselor today!
