When it comes to relationship issues, it’s normal to desire a quick solution to solve a problem and move on. As a Bethesda Couples Counselor, I hear from my clients that they hope to find a resolution within the first few sessions.

However, there is one thing that no one tells you about relationship issues…

Are you ready?

Take a deep breath…and try not to exit this article until you finish reading it. I promise it will be worth it. 

Ok. The one thing that no one tells you about relationship issues is that about 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable. This is according to research by Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and co-founder of the Gottman Institute.

“Wait, What??”

I know. You are probably thinking, “then what the heck is the point of couples counseling if most of our problems can’t be solved??”

Here’s the thing- research also shows that in successful marriages, couples learn to manage conflict- not avoid it or attempt to eliminate it. So it can actually be counterproductive to try and solve unsolvable issues. 

So then, what does help? Having constructive discussions around topics that create conflict or struggle can provide an excellent opportunity for understanding and growth. Our Bethesda Couples Counselors are trained to take a more objective view of situations, offer observations, and provide tools to help support these types of discussions.

The key is not to solve every single problem that comes your way as a couple. In fact, things like personality traits or long-standing issues that continue to arise over and over again may just be unsolvable.

Instead, learning to manage these conflicts constructively is where you should put in the effort.

Here are some suggestions:

• Take a break if things get heated. Allow both parties a chance to calm down. 
• Verbalize what you can take responsibility for. An apology may even be appropriate.
• Take turns speaking and listening. When speaking, communicate clearly and honestly. When listening, create a judgment-free space for the speaker. 
• Find a way to compromise. For example, if your goals differ significantly, aim your focus on where they overlap.

If you are interested in learning more about managing conflict and achieving success in a loving relationship, reach out to a Bethesda Couples Counselor today.